Introduction to Theory 101

This week in Intro to Theory, we shall attempt to prove once and for all that Jensen, Jared, and their ardent admirers make up the greatest fandom in existence. Now…considering how made of WIN we are, this shouldn’t be all too difficult. For serious. I mean, look at us…we’re fucking funny, as are “our boys.” What more do you need, these days? Pssh. Anycrap, with the following list, I shall prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the J-Squared fandom WINS the internets. Observe…

The top 69 reasons why J-Squared and the J-Squared Fandom is off the Heezy fo’ Sheezy:

#69. Whether Jensen’s your favorite or Jared, we’re all in agreement that bi-broism is at the core of this fandom.

#68. Our boys are GIVERS. Jensen makes out with his fans, while Jared’s recently become the new host of Loveline!

#67. We’re more than a little obsessed with Evil!Sammy. “My daddy shot your daddy in the head” is the sexiest taunt ever.

#66.

#65. We document the evolution of the bitchface.

#64. We instigate arguments between Dean Winchester’s articles of clothing.

#63. We’re all in agreement that Jensen’s got the sexiest bowlegs in the west.

#62. We’re more than a little obsessed with Jared’s coat.

#61. We have an obsession with the boys’ layers. Single layers are always preferred. Even better, no layers…

#60. The Metallicar. Our boys drive the hottest wheels on TV.

#59. Our boys are both musically inclined. Jared with his hello kitty guitar…

and Jensen with his high pitched voice…

They should start an all girl band. For serious. They could be the next Savage Garden.

#58. OUR week starts on Thursdays:

and on Wednesday…we rest.

#57. Jared’s mouth and nose do their own acting.

#56. Dean-isms. Everyone has a favorite.

#55. We’ve created quite the vernacular within the J-Squared fandom. So much so that we could have our own dictionary. With words/phrases such as:

• Ackting
• Artificial Jensemination
• Bicep of doom
• Bitchfacing
• God-fucking OBSCENE
• Jensenated
• Leather jacket of porn
• Padapeen (see also Padacock)
• Padapoking
• Padapaw
• Snorting cock
• Stunt!nipple

Just to name a few…for serious. Someone should be writing this down for publication.

#54. Whenever anyone mentions “everyone’s favorite J-Squared pic,” you automatically know what pic it is without even clicking it.

#53. They’re so blatantly fucking, and they WANT us to know it. Seriously, they love to drop hints. Jared not only fuels the fire, but fans the fucking flames. *insert random homo-gay comment here* “they don’t kiss in public“, “jensen is sexy“, and con hugging. But it’s not just Jared.

#52. Brangelina who??! Petnames are a must for every fandom. Well, our petnames top all. Why? Cuz there’s so damn many of them…

• Our petnames for the boys: Padackles, J-Squared, Puppy, Sasquatch, Ginormitron, Midget, Satan, Fugmo
• Their petnames for each other: Smeckles & Paddywhack…awwww, Schmackles, Ugly, LORD!, Giant, Stretch
• Sam and Dean’s petnames for each other: Jerk, Bitch, BABE
• Their fic!names for each other: Jay, Jen, Sweetheart *snort*
• Our petnames for their wimmin: Danneel = Elta, L’Oreal (cuz she’s worth it?); Sandy= Champ, Polly!Pocket
• Our petnames for their relationships: Sandywhack, McLovin, THE Relationshit

#51. They’re from Texas. And, well, everything’s bigger in Texas:

Oh, and they’re tall too.

#50. We’ve got girls who pretend to be married to Jensen Ackles. Fabulous!

#49. We’re the most dedicated fans on the net. We will travel hundreds, hell THOUSANDS of miles, and spend OBSCENE amounts of money JUST to meet our boys at cons. *still waitin’ on that restraining order…any day now*

#48. We’ve got stalkers fans who make the boys’ parents gold plaques as a sign of appreciation (timestamp 14:00).

#47. We are the most considerate group of fans on the net. Seeing as how most of us suffer from an addiction to porn, we understand the need to make it available to everyone, even those of us who are functionally illiterate. SO, we take the time to actually record audio!porn for each other…because, hey! Sharing is caring.

#46. Our manips… MADE . OF . WIN. Seriously…

*full on makes out with Belfagor*

#45. We have a “Hate with Love” policy when it comes to people who come between our boys *coughDanneelcough*

#44. Only Jensen Ackles could make a film where he tap dances, wears guyliner, and has debates with his (not)girlfriend about tampons…and we’d wanna see it.

#43. We care about the environment. We’re big on recycling…especially plastic. So, hey! When your little sister’s done with that Ken doll, don’t throw him away! Make your own Plastic!Priestly, and send him on world adventures! Or create your own Plastic!Winchesters, and start up a theater company.

#42. Gay cowboy porn…nuff said.

#41. How much do we love the Texas belt? I’d say so much, that we were inspired to make belt buckles of our own:

Jedi, you’re the best J² whore, EVAR! *mwah*

#40. Obsession with Jensen’s DSLs. No explanation needed.

#39. Everyone wants a piece of Jared’s magnum. And really, why wouldn’t they?

#38. It is our goal to capture 4,000 angles of Blue Steel AND Baby Blue Steel, simultaneously. Go on, get some! That is NOT a singular request!

#37. We worship at The Shrine of Jensen Ackles’ Ass.

#36. We <3 their pixie ears!

#35. We’re more than a little obsessed with the boys’ hair. And, boy do they rock it all: buzzcuts, shaggy goodness, lego head, pixie cuts, faux hawks, gawd-awful centre parts, horrid fades… Whatever your kink, just remember:

JESUS PADALECKI LOVES YOU!

#34. Our boys illicit the most random porny dreams, featuring sparkly gold limited edition pumas, dancing on walls, and evil!Sammy mute sex. And then there was that time when Jared was a teacher and “Padapoked” MT in the back of the head everytime he “slid past her desk” to walk around the room. AHAHAHAHAHA *clap*

#33. Our boys actually SHOW UP! They take the time to go to all these conventions to meet and spend time with us. And we lurve them for it! I love it when actors actually CARE about their fandom. *glaring at Wentworth* Oh, you will never live it down, Mister…ever. Pfft. DENIED!

#32. This fandom is FILLED with raw talent. Not only do we have amazing fic!writers, but songwriters/singers as well. That’s right. We write the shit that gets stuck in your head for days:

The Sammy Song:

We’re Fucking J-Squared:

Santa Baby (J² Edition)

#31. While other fandoms “worship” their favorite idol, we educate. The J-Squared fandom has various schools, like SquareHead University and Life College to make sure that we’re all as up to speed and well-informed on the kinkiness of our favorite subjects as we should be.

#30. We’ve got Secret Societies! From gummitummy to fatty_jared of Life College, and the all new TWFJS (The Wanta Fucka Jared Sorority) and FFFWS (Future Flying Fangirls of the World Sorority), coming soon to SHU… RUSH week is upon us. Pick a team and GO!

#29. Our fandom is all (well, mostly)-inclusive. We don’t just talk about our boys. We talk about their dumbass friends, too. We want the boys to feel like we’re interested in what they’re interested in. So whether it’s writing fic! or making up yearbooks and Christmas cards, we always remember the importance of adding in all the key players.

#28. Our boys wear matching shagbands in lieu of wedding bands as a symbol of their unrequitted “feelings” towards one another. You just KNOW they walk around set all day *snappin* that shit then disappearing together for 15 minutes at a time. Kinky bastards.

Seriously, boys…just say ” I do” already… *eyeroll*

#27. We’ve got flying fangirls. How amusing. Scary, but amusing.

#26. We spend copious amounts of time debating inane issues such as Toppy!Jared/Sam vs. Toppy!Jensen/Dean. Jared/Sam WINS, btw. For serious, when people start convincing their husbands to do narrations for their vids explaining why Sam is ALWAYS the top…well, that’s how you know. The argument is officially over. Sammy, FTW!

#25. moondropz. Anyone who does themed pic!spams with titles such as “Dean Looking Up” or “The Bicep of Doom” clearly wins at life. Consider yourselves Jensenated. *stamps a gold Padapeen on moondropz’s forehead*

#24. The Chronicles of Jensen: The Lyin’, The Witch, and the Wardrobe?

#23. Flying box cutters and stunt!nipples: The Obscene World of J-Pad

#22. Because we come up with the best questions and requests of our boys:

And occasionally the worst:

For serious, the next person to ask about the damn fan!fic at a con is banned from this fandom permanently. Shuuuuuuuuuuuuunuh.

#21. smirkygirl. I swear every time she posts, the song Goodies by Ciara pops into my head. She’s like Mother Christmas, and I… am a 5 year old!

#20. While we certainly adore Jensen for his looks, our main reason for being such avid fans of his has much to do with his “ackting abilities”…or so we tell people. In reality, we think he may actually be retarded. That’s what he gets for hanging out with Tom Welling.

#19. We don’t try to hide the fact that we LOVE Sandy, and secretly hope that she and Jared are ALREADY McMarried and well on their way to producing many many many Mini!Jareds. *snort* Mini!Jareds…now there’s an oxymoron for your ass!

#18. It is the general concensus that Elta is DENIED. For serious. Jensen’s not allowed to have children till he learns how to pick proper wife material. Jensen, stop playin! *bitchfacing*

#17. We wear things like this:

and this:

and DEFINITELY this:

…IN PUBLIC.

#16. It’s an unspoken agreement within the fandom that Chad Michael Murray’s ass is not worthy to have the Padapeen in it at any time, under any circumstances, for any reason. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with Jared’s reach-around. Jackass.

#15. Whether you like it or not…Wincest. It’s Jensen’s favorite. So, really…why argue about it?

#14. This fandom isn’t a one way street. Our boys love to watch and review OUR work, as well.

Shun the nonbeliever…

#13. While Jared’s busy advocating PETA, we’re taking on a cause of our own. Join PETJA today, and make a difference in the life of Jensen Ackles.

#12. keepaofthecheez. Anyone who can write a fan!fic which incorporates most of Jared’s family, and not only doesn’t make me cringe, but rather makes me want to be adopted by the Padaleckis is clearly made of WIN. *gold stamp for you*

#11. Our boys go on dinner dates…and forget they’re in public, then proceed to touch each other inappropriately. Awww, how adorable. *smishes them both*

#10. Jeff Padalecki. No explanation necessary.

#9. missyjack. Cuz really, what the fuck would we know if it weren’t for her? Every bit of truth we ever needed to know about the boys can be found in her precise analysis.

#8. McLovin. Jensen+Jared+Sandy= the hottest threesome EVAR!

#7. CAPSLOCK SPN. KWITE POSIBLEE TEH BESTEST COMM ON TEH INTERNETZ. LULZ. THEY DON’T JUST RULE THE INTERNETZ, THEY RAEP IT!!!

#6. We got the best avatars on the net:

#5. The Ackles Ass Equation. Who knew math could be this fun? potthead, YOU R GEENYUS! *GOLD FUCKING STAMP*

#4. Maichan the Enabler…tech goddess of all tech goddesses. Creator of the best YooToob video you will ever see. Seriously, anyone who can take mine and MT’s stoopid and make it look funny, is talented, indeed. *gold Padapeen for you*

#3. We give the best gifts: Engagement gift baskets for The Padaleckis, not to mention that “care package” that MT and I shall be shipping off to them shortly, containing some useful literature (i.e. What to Expect When You’re Expecting & Parenting For Dummies) and of course, an iPod filled with “baby-making music”… Not to worry, we’ve thought of Jensen, too. He’ll be receiving a case of condoms. But more importantly, what other group of fans schemes up plans about going to cons and giving Jensen Ackles the Herp? It’s the gift that keeps on giving…

#2. We produce THE BEST fan!fic on the net. We’ve got it all…schmoop, kink, het, slash, voyeurism, AU, Wincest, McLovin, Jensen crying his way through sex, and of course CRACK! , Name one other fandom that would dare turn one of its idols into a hot tempered, gregarious, not to mention hilarious, red rubber duck. Pfft. Don’t worry. I’ll wait…

and now the number one reason why J-Squared and the J-Squared fandom tops all:

#1.

…nuff said.

And there you have it. We win.

You wanna debate me on this??! Meet me in the lunchroom after school…and bring your pussy fandom with you. Seriously…