Theory 101: Srs Acktor Is Srs

Soooooo. Looks like Jensen’s being kinda, sorta, maybe, really, almost definitely not nominated for an Emmy…again. In light of this recent development, we’d like to share with y’all the absolute truth a theory about Jensen’s Emmy potential (or lack thereof).

Brought to you by world renowned philosopher dumdorf, and originally posted at the WB forum back in 2006 (when I wasn’t watching a damn thing Jensen was in), this is an in depth review and analysis of Jensen’s career and namely, the aspects of his ackting that prevent him from scoring that Emmy nod every fuck year. Pay attention, Ackles. This is verreh srs bzns.

Without further ado, The School of Jensen and Jared presents…

Why Jensen Ackles Doesn’t Deserve An Emmy

Written by dumdorf- The WB Forum, 2006:

No way, man. First off, that WB/CW? – Whatever the heck it is – doesn’t have the financial or political clout to muster the necessary votes. Besides, you have to be in a sexy hospital drama, or a blood spatter crime series, or at least have something with the President floating around if you want to be nominated.

Come on, everybody knows shows that [have] ghosts, witches and demons are aesthetically inferior garbage. (Sure, Hamlet and Macbeth have that sort of Supernatural stuff, but let me tell you – if Shakespeare were writing today; he’d be cranking out hot locker room scenes for “Grey’s Anatomy.” Now that’s art!)

As for performers, mediocrity is where it’s at. Heck, the last thing anybody wants is for some honest-to-goodness actor to roll down the pike and shake up the status-quo. The next thing you know the public will start demanding things like: depth, range, versatility – even realistic performances! – from their favourite celebs. Stars can’t be expected to excel, after all, Hollywood has to maintain its standards. Hot dudes and babes – that’s the ticket! Just make sure they can’t really act – the public doesn’t know the difference anyway. Take the big names: Sean Penn for example; this guy’s got more agonized expressions than a hamster trying to pass a stone the size of a football. You think audiences believe he can act? You bet they do! He’s won awards up the kazoo, hasn’t he? And Clint Eastwood, well talk about consistency! He’s been playing that Spaghetti Western Cowboy for decades. Now that’s staying power! What more proof do they need?

But I digress. Here it is in a nutshell: A hunk who can’t act beyond the requisite grin or glare presents no problem – give him an Emmy, you’ll up the ratings; a plain-looking guy whose acting is better than average? No threat, no problem – give him an Emmy too. But Jensen Ackles? Whoa mama, he’s trouble – Big Time! And let me tell you why:

You start watching this guy, and you’re going to find out real fast what real acting is all about. See, he doesn’t play a part so much as undergo a dazzling metamorphosis – expression, tone, gestures, mannerisms – everything about him changes according to the shifting moods of the scene. Have you ever seen a light breeze flicker across the surface of a pond? That’s how quick it happens – like magic, and you’re left thinking, wow! How come I know so much about this Dean character when the actor hasn’t said anything about him? And that isn’t even the worst of it! All the subtleties and nuances of this guy’s acting invests the character with such depth and complexity you’d think you were looking straight down into the pits of Dean’s soul! Since when does Hollywood do souls?

And the range? Fughettaboutit! This guy’s got so many layers to pull back he could fill the Astrodome with the number of characters and different personality traits he can pull out. Then there’s that damned delivery. Come on already, they’re just words on a piece of paper. You’re supposed to spit them out, grab your paycheque, and go home like everyone else. But Ackles? The guy doesn’t even know how to throw away a line! He’s out there every week giving even the most ordinary dialogue some new and special significance, so you feel as if you’re hearing words you’ve heard a million times before for the very first time. (“He forces language into meaning” to borrow from that T.S. Elliot idiot) Soon as I found out Alan Ackles is Jensen’s father, I knew who was to blame. Those guys think they can go around transmuting base metal words into gold? Well, let me tell you – Emmy voters won’t stand for that hocus-pocus. Shakespeare’s dead, man! Nobody wants to think about what you’re saying!

Okay, don’t get me wrong here – the guy’s not without potential. With those looks and that charisma Ackles could race home with a truckload of Emmys and awards. But first he’s got to learn to imitate his betters. So here’s some advice kid, for most of next season stand there like a post and think about lunch. When sweeps come around you should just chew up the scenery so they’ll have a little overblown melodrama to broadcast at the awards ceremony. Oh! And quit bein concerned about putting others in the spotlight instead of grabbing it for yourself – Nobody likes a nice-guy in this town, much less a professional. Finally, stow all that hard work, discipline and extraordinary talent away. I mean good grief! Watching you perform is like watching a freakin’ virtuoso at the London Symphony, or Michelangelo doing his thing on the Sistine Chapel.

Haven’t you heard? This is television – No geniuses allowed.

Seriously, Ackles…knock it off. Brilliance will get you nowhere in this business. I mean, come on. How many Oscars has Johnny Depp won? Pssh. Take a hint. Jesus.

Thanks to dinkerluz for reposting this awesomeness over at that forum belonging to that network that doesn’t bother advertising its best shows. You know the one.

DISCLAIMER: ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE J-SQUARED FANDOM, THE SCHOOL OF JENSEN AND JARED WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO INVITE THE EMMYS TO KISS OUR COLLECTIVE ASS. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY.