Mock Trial: Gay or Not Gay?

Sasquatches! Welcome to our first Mock Trial case of the semester. Today’s case is…well, the same as every other case we’re ever gonna review. It’s the case of Jensen and Jared vs. Heterosexuality. Let’s review today’s ~not-a-crime~ in question, shall we?

Ladies and gentleman of the jury…Now I ask you, is there ANY way that these two totally manly men from Texas who are CLEARLY nothing more than totally platonic friends could possibly be mistaken for gay lovers? I think not. Let’s review the evidence…

Exhibit A:

“We open the doors, let ‘em all in and we fight…like men in tights”:

THEY’RE BUTCH! Therefore, CLEARLY not gay.

Exhibit B:

REAL men give full body hugs for an extended period of time in deserted hallways in a totally straight and platonic way while no one else is around and the Brokeback Mountain theme music plays in the background. No hint of gayness here. None.

Exhibit C:

“I love you.”

“I love you, too…I miss your musk.”

I don’t see how this exhange could possibly be interpreted as anything other than a totally innocent display of brotherly love between two totally and completely straight men…really. REAL men say “I love you and I miss your musk” to their totally straight, platonic friends all the time… No homo.

Exhibit D:

They’re not screaming like sissies…they’re just excited to be working. That’s all…

Exhibit E:

~FIERCE~

But TTLY not gay…not even a little bit.

Exhibit F:

Synchronized dancing in graveyards = something drunk frat boys would do, therefore not gay. Amirite or amirite?

Exhibit G:

Just because most totally straight men would turn to their totally platonic friend and say, “Hey, dude. You got some shit on your face” rather than taking it upon themselves to personally remove said shit from their friend’s face, doesn’t mean that anything gay is going on between the two of them. And it’s especially not gay to lick your fingers first before ~grooming~ your friend. Not gay at all.

Exhibit H:

Just because they tell each other secrets and/or whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears, it doesn’t make them flaming gossip queens or lovers. Sharing is caring, people. And Jensen and Jared are ~givers~.

Exhibit I:

Wooden stakes>>>>Q-Tips. This is irrefutable tru fax. What? He’s just cleaning his ears. And CLEARLY Jared approves of this method. Yes…YES.

Exhibit J:

What? Don’t ALL best friends complete each others sentences? Braintwinning is very common…especially among people who are not in love. It’s true. Just look at me and MT.

Exhibit K:

Just because Jensen is impressed with the Padacock doesn’t mean he wants to put his mouth on it, y’all. I mean, don’t all guy friends show their boners to each other? Yes, yes they do. Just for shits and giggles. Pfft. Childish boys are childish.

Closing Arguements:

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we must look beyond all the seemingly ~homogay~ moments that occur between Jensen and Jared and see their relationship for what it really is. They’re just two totally straight and platonic friends from Texas who tend to say and do totally gay shit together, and possibly even fuck each other’s brains out on occasion. But that’s IT!

In conclusion: NOT GAY

The defense rests…

Plz to be giving us your final verdict in the comments below. And also, tell us which of the 3 gag reels is your favoritest:

Season 1, Season 2, or the newbie up top.

DISCLAIMER: THEY ARE SO FUCKING GAY TOGETHER IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE. SRSLY, IF THEY’RE NOT FUCKING EACH OTHER, THEY REALLY SHOULD BE. REALLY. AND JUST TO MIX IT UP A BIT, THEY SHOULD ALSO BE THROWING TAYLOR COLE AND NICOLE SCHERZINGER INTO THE MIX EVERY NOW AND THEN…JUST TO REMIND US THAT THEY OCCASIONALLY EMBRACE THEIR INNER HETERO (I.E. LOVE PUSSY) AS WELL.

Credits: Raloria, Lizard Lair &, Fannywinchester