Mock Trial: BFFs or FWBs?

Sasquatches! Welcome to our second Mock Trial case of the semester.  Today we’ll be reviewing the case of Jensen and Jared vs… well… heterosexuality. YES, again. Pfft.  ANYWAY, today’s not-a-crime in question comes courtesy of this Buddy TV set visit by Debbie Chang, who is my new fucking hero. Check it:

“Jared and Jensen live together and carpool to work every day. They like to rib each other about who is lazier than whom in the morning, and it’s very cute.”

Now PEOPLE! I ask you…just because these two closer than most, totally platonic male friends are shacking up  together all of a sudden, does NOT mean they’re totally fucking each other senseless every waking moment that they’re at home, now does it?  No. No it does not. And JUST because they’re so fucking close that they seemingly know each others’ all too personal habits a little too well, doesn’t mean anything, u guise.  Srsly, where do ppl come up with this nonsense? Pfft. Let’s review the evidence, SHALL WE?

Exhibit A:

SFX Magazine (October, 2006)
Jensen: “We’re late because he [indicated Padalecki] partied hard last night and apparently fell asleep in the shower.”
Jared: “I couldn’t attend an interview without having a shower.”
Jensen: “Sure… but you’re always in there for hours. What do you do in there?”
Jared: “There’s a lot of me to wash, okay?”

WHAT??! Like it’s not NORMAL for bff’s to know that their friends always spend hours showering? Pshh. It’s not like he’s in there watching him shower or anything. And so what if he is?! That’s not gay. Someone’s gotta make sure Jared gets all the soap off his back. THERE’S A LOT OF HIM TO WASH, OKAY??!

Exhibit B:

Verizon interview (May 8, 2007)
We [hear] about how they use their ride to work to wake up and run lines. Jensen says “it’s our little private time…we enjoy ourselves and relax…”

-

Jared: “He’ll give massages a lot of the time when I get tense”
Jensen: “He gets tense a lot”

I don’t see how this could POSSIBLY be misconstrued as them being more than friends. Just because they enjoy a little quiet time in the back of an SUV with tinted windows and a divider separating them and the driver doesn’t mean there’s anything suspect going on, y’all. And I’ll have you know, I’ve seen PLENTY of totally straight men stradling other totally straight men to give their platonic friend a massage. Tension headaches are no joke, kids. Nor are they gay.

Exhibit C:

Norwegian magazine TOPP (May, 2006)

What’s the first thing you do in the morning?
- I masturbate to the Tom Cruise poster I have on my bedroom wall, says Jared and everyone cracks up.
- And you say I’m gay, says Jensen, while Jared looks nervously at us taking notes.
- Are you going to print this?, he asks with worry.
- No, seriously. I get up and drink a lot of water, work out and then masturbate [laughs]. No, I like to run about an hour every day. If it was as healthy to masturbate I’d rather do that for an hour. No, don’t write that. – No, of course not, we reply.
Jensen can’t stop laughing and has to pull himself together before he can answer the question.
- I press the snooze button on my alarm clock and go back to sleep.
So Jared’s the health freak and you’re the lazy one?
- Yep, that’s right.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I assure you, there is nothing gay about any of this. Not even a little bit. Just because Jared masturbates to the Tom Cruise Poster above his bed every morning does not make him gay. Hell, I do the same thing!…just replace the words “Tom Cruise” with “Jared Padalecki” and there ya go.

Exhibit D:

Norwegian magazine TOPP (May, 2006)

- Do you walk around the house naked?
- Yes, they both reply and say it’s the most natural thing in the world. Something we’ll agree with.
- I love walking around the house naked, says Jensen.
- But not while [it's] erected. That’s uncomfortable. It’s just wobbling around, so I put my boxers on to keep it in check. Jared looks at Jensen to see if he agrees.
- No, I don’t mind. I love walking around freely. Why lock it up when you’re at home? That’s one of the few places where you can draw some fresh air. Time to change the subject.

Just because they both enjoyed walking around their respective houses butt nekkid before they lived together doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it NOW!…AND SO WHAT IF THEY DO!?! It’s not like either one of them has something the other hasn’t seen or rubbed up against before. Pshh. No potential gayness here. None. And I agree, Ackles…time to change the subject.

Closing Arguments:

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask that you look beyond the fact that Jensen knows how long Jared spends showering each morning and gives him frequent massages whenever Jared’s enormous wang is tense. You must look past the fact that Jared masturbates to a Tom Cruise poster every morning, cuz it means NOTHING. And for the love of God, JUST because they may possibly very well walk around the house naked together…it doesn’t mean they’re gay…just fucking. That’s IT!!!

In conclusion: BFF’S, NOT FWB’s! Possibly bi-curious bff’s or maybe even hippies, but DEFINITELY NOT FWB’s.

Radio interview with Lauren Cohan (Nov 16, 2007)
“So you really have some attractive costars! How’s that working out?”
“Oh, Jared and Jensen are great! They’re such great guys, I really enjoy working with them.”
“They have such a strong working dynamic on the show, how does that translate over?”

There’s this very long pause, and then she’s like:
“You know, they have such a… special relationship, I’m not sure I can – you know, they’re just so close!”

The defense rests.

You know the drill, give us your final verdict in the comments, y’all!

DISCLAIMER: IF THEY START DISCUSSING EACH OTHER’S GROOMING HABITS ANYTIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE (AND NO I DON’T MEAN THE HAIR ON THEIR HEADS/FACES), I’MA BE CONVINCED THAT THE HOUSE ISN’T THE ONLY THING THEY’RE ~SHARING~. JUST SAYIN’.

all interview snippets gathered from TWIZZLE-ME.COM, & icons from all over LJ-Burrows