Philosophy 101: How To Be A Whore Without Selling Yourself…Short

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step 1: cut a hole in a box

So, as we’re all aware by now, Jensen was out whoring around in Hollywood this week pretending to have a girlfriend who isn’t Jared promoting his new movie.  Things started off pretty tame with the Yimmy Kimmel show…

Between visiting Donna and making her fucking YEAR, clotheslining fangirls for molesting his boyfriend at the airport the previous week, deep sea diving (is that what they call it nao?), and catching a barracuda in Belize (her name is ELTA, incase you’ve forgotten)…it would seem as though busy Jemsem was busy.  Although…in regards to the “Who would you go gay for?” question… Clearly that question was not asked by anyone from here (*coughIMdBcough*). Cuz WE all know damn well that THAT question wasn’t necessary. And to be perfectly honest, I’m kinda chagrined that it was acshully put forth as a verreh srs question.  Cuz HELLO. Urrybody and they mama knows goddamn well who he’d go gay for. So why ask, people? Why.Ask? The proper question would have been, “So who’s a better lover? Jessica Simpson? Jared Padalecki? or Me?” Srsly, how hard is his job? Pshh.

It’s called RESEARCH, Yimmy. Try it sometime.

C+ for you, dude.

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step 2: put your junk in that box

Next up was The Bonnie Hunt Show, where Jensen gave us quite a bit of adorability in the form of his favoritist Christmas gift ever: monthly letters from his oldest nephew, Logan. D’awwwwwww. *draws hearts around them* Guh, srsly Ackles…have babies, lots and lots of Ackles-Padalecki babies. Yes, this. Get on it.

We also learned that the Brotherhood Jemsem’s buddies were on standby to go to the premiere of MBV with him, to provide the lulz during the screening. Cuz really what are best friends for, if not to mock the everloving shit out of you at every available opportunity? Clearly, he’d be lost without his fellow tards. Clearly. Donut worry.  For making them sit through his shenanigans, he at least promised to feed them afterwards. He brought leftover barracuda…and everyone got a piece. Good on him. GOOD. ON. HIM.

Anyhoo, back to the mockery for a second, the only downside of this appearance was the blatant missed opportunity for Bonnie and Jensen to compare their ~experiences~ of working with Tom Welling.  I can only imagine that in both cases, it was truly something to laugh about. Although, I’d say Jensen got the upper hand. Cuz while Bonnie may have worked with Steve Martin on her Welling of a project, Jensen got to work with Rosey God Rosey. And seeing as how Rosenbaum is clearly the answer to all of life’s questions…there’s no contest, really.

All in all, I give these happenings a B+++++

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step 3: make her open the box

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Jensen may as well have pulled his pants down and showed us his enormous COCK, cuz this interview just fucked me through the floor and made me scream its NAME! Chelsea Fucking Handler… now THAT, bitches, is how you do a motherfucking interview…YES/YES/MFYES!!!

Jackpot, indeed. And let’s not forget he’s ALSO  sitting on a goldmine…and clearly holds the future of the world between his legs in the palm of his hands.

“YOU DON’T MIND TALKIN TO THE BACK OF MY HEAD, DO YOU? GET USED TO IT.”

Srsly, If Jensen wants to pretend that he doesn’t wanna get with that, I’ll glady take his place.  Cuz Chelsea Handler would GET IT…repeatedly. But back to Jensen for a minute…

Jensen as Paris: That movie was dope.
Jensen as Nicky: Your make-up is dope. Did YOU do it?
Jensen as Paris: Do I ever do my own make-up…?

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

*takes him behind the bleachers and RAEPS him*

I approve of this fuckery, Jemsem. And so does Jarrud. GAWD, YES to this interview…all of it.

Srsly, is there a grade higher than A++++++++?? Cuz this interview?… was IT.

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and that’s the way you do it…

For anyone outside the US or those who don’t get to watch her ridiculous show for whatever reason, here have some bonus Chelsea:

Has Rosenbaum ever been on Chelsea Lately? Cuz if so, I’ma need to be seeing this.  The first person to find me footage gets a milkshake, courtesy of Jared’s cock…

DISCLAIMER: DEAR JARED PADALECKI- WHEN IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GO OUT AND BE A WHORE GET ON THE PRESS JUNKET FOR Ft13, PLZ TO BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE ON CHELSEA LATELY. SRSLY, FUCK KIMMEL, FUCK CONAN, FUCK LENO, FUCK CRAIG FERGUSSON, FUCK ELLEN…WELL, MAYBE NOT ELLEN…SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. JUST DO CHELSEA…REPEATEDLY. SRSLY, SEE IF YOU CAN STRIKE A DEAL AND JUST DO 3 APPEARANCES ON HER SHOW…LAWL, MULTIPLES.  *IZ DEAD SRS* DO IT NAO, OR FAIL AT LIFE, PADALECKI!