Sex Ed: The Commitment to Excellence

So! Just for shits and giggles, let’s see what~ Grade A~ Self-Improvement tip everyone’s favorite Life Coach, Jensen Ackles, is pimpin’ this week, Y/Y?

My Life Penis Enlargement Story
by Josh Tieden Jemsem Ankles

The purpose of sharing my story with you is to make sure that you do not make the same horrible mistakes as me. I wasted thousands of dollars on useless penis enlargement exercises and scams. Hopefully my personal 3 year story for a bigger penis will help you.

Translation: The purpose of sharing my story with you is to make sure that you do not make the same horrible mistakes as me.  I wasted so much time trying to date one of my costars just to realize I was dating the wrong one.  Hopefully my personal 4 year story about not!dating my girlfriend will help you.

STOP LAUGHING. JEMSEM R’ VERREH SRS WRITER AND THIS BE’S VERREH SRS BZNS…

Btw, you may wanna hurry up and click that link before Jensen finds out what they’re up to and shits all over it.  Not that MT and I haven’t already screencapped it for posterity. But that’s neither here nor there.  LOL, wat?

3 years ago I was surfing the internet when I came across a banner on an adult site which claimed I could enlarge my penis in just weeks. This got me very excited, I had never seen such claims or such products before. I have been insecure about my penis size ever since I hit puberty. It didn’t hang down when flaccid, in fact it kind of just pointed. Just by looking at the other boys I knew that I was smaller, this infuriated me. I could change everything about myself, my style, my fitness, my hair, everything but I couldn’t change my penis size. When I went to the urinals I used to either find a cubical or stand up at an angle trying to make sure the guy next to me couldn’t see how small I was.

Translation: So, about 10 years ago, I moved to Los Angeles and decided to become a SRS acktor, cuz some talent scouts in Texass said I was hot shit.  As if I didn’t already know this.  So once I relocated, I took on a SRS role on a SRS daytime soap opera.  Once my career took off, all I was lacking was a SRS relationship.  Looking around, I could see that all of my costars were in SRS marriages, and I wasn’t, and this infuriated me. Cuz goddammit, I’m HOT. So, when I went to red carpet events, I’d always bring along a supermodel or a Playboy bunny or a SRS blonde singer to make sure everyone couldn’t see how single I was.

I lost count of how many sexual situations I simply avoided because I didn’t want my girlfriend to see how small I was, especially in the flaccid state. My erect length wasn’t that bad, I later found out I was just under six inches which is below average but not that bad. My flaccid length however was only about 3 inches in length and hardly any girth at all. So back to the advert, you can see now why I was very excited. They claimed to have a device that in just a few months could enlarge your penis by 2″ plus. I ordered the “penis pump”, it was not cheap, around $250.

Translation: I lost count of how many gorgeous girls I dated, especially how many I just took to these events for show.  I mean. My dating resume wasn’t bad…but I didn’t want people to start to think I was a slut or anything.  So when my good friend of 4 years and I landed a movie project together, I decided to get SRS, and try to date her.  SRSLY.  So we became an item. No one warned me that SRS girlfriends are high-maintenance and expensive, yo.

Now I am just a normal guy like yourself and $250 was and still is A LOT of money. I couldn’t afford to waste money but that’s exactly what it turned out to be. I pumped and I followed the instructions that I was given, I continued religiously for 6 months. Sure, my penis was bigger straight after pumping, in fact it was probably about 2 inches bigger but this only lasted for an hour. While I was on the pumping program I had problems with keeping an erection and my penis was very weak. I now had the same size penis that couldn’t even stand up, things were getting worse NOT better!

Translation: Now, I’m just a normal guy…and this girl likes to live THE LIFE.  I don’t really do the party scene, but that’s what she loves to do. So I made the effort, and went to all the parties, and even went hoodsurfing with mah ~bros~ in the streets of LA cuz that’s what wannabe frat boys are supposed to do, when all I really wanted to do was spend the weekends on the couch watching re-runs of One Tree Hill on SOAPnet. Cuz at least then I’d still be ~spending time with my girlfriend~ only without having to leave the house, right? I was learning the hard way that having a SRS relationship was not all it’s cracked up to be.

I of course had girlfriends throughout this time that I was trying to enlarge my penis. In fact I lost a lot of girlfriends due to my penis size. I was not confident within myself and I certainly was not confident in the bedroom. She would ask me questions such as “is it in yet?” and she would tell me to thrust deeper. Of course I knew she wanted me to hit her G-Spot but I simply could not reach it. I would make a women orgasm sometimes but most of the time I could tell they would be faking it. I just didn’t feel like a man. By this time I had also given up on penis enlargement and avoided most sexual situations. My slightly below average penis (average 6.5 inches) just could not reach the spots that she wanted. No women specifically told me that the relationship ended because I couldn’t give them what they wanted in bed, but I knew this was the reason. Why would anyone want crap sex when they can go across the road and get it from a guy with a big muscular penis, a real man.

Translation: I, of course, had friends in LA that I enjoyed hanging out with.  And we loved to do things to prove that our bond was tight like glue…like wear each other’s clothes in public until people started to point and laugh and write songs about how much we wear each other’s clothes in public. *SRS face* So, I started to spend more and more time up in Canada with this very tall sasquatchy looking boy with ridiculous hair, a lack of personal space awareness, and killer dimples to rival  Jason Manns’.  Less time with the SRS girlfriend and the brotherhood…more time with the new kid.  I mean.  Why would I fly all the way to LA just to gaze longingly at Christian Kane’s awesome hair, when I’ve got Jared Freakin’ Padalecki in the trailer next door?

I tried again with the pumps, this just left me with a weak penis. I tried with weights, this just left me with a “pencil penis”.

Translation: I went home to LA as often as I could *coughNEVERcough* to visit all of my old friends and my SRS girlfriend, for I am awesome and they miss me when I’m not around.  But this just left me missing my Jared.  *saaaaaadfaaaaaace*

To my surprise and astonishment I measured my penis 2 months later and I noticed that my flaccid and erect penis was 0.5 inches bigger! OK – so these are not massive gains but they were gains! I was NOW excited, I continued for months but couldn’t achieve anymore gains. I decided to check out the other natural enlargement sites on the internet, some had more exercises, these exercises gave me some more gains. I must have tried 20-25 enlargement sites some that are still around today. Most of them just contained the most basic exercises. 2 and an half years had gone by and I had only managed to gain 0.5 inches in erect length, how pathetic and that had cost me thousands!

Translation: To my surprise, I found myself having more fun with my Jared than I ever had in my SRS relationship with my SRS girlfriend.  So when Chelsea Handler asked me if I planned to marry my SRS girlfriend a few months ago, I wasn’t quite sure what to say.   So, I did what ANY man in my position would do.   I avoided the question like an avoiding avoider.  Answering questions is HARD, okay??  What else was I supposed to say? I mean…2 and half years is…well, 2 and a half years.

Hm.  Upon re-evaluation, perhaps I should shit or get off the pot…

I then came across Size Genetics, this penis enlargement program claimed all kinds of things. It claimed to have this unique device that actually was placed onto to penis and made it long.  Also the system came with tons of penis exercises that were recommended by doctors on a DVD, 2 sex improvement DVD’s and access to LoveCentria and PenisHealth Online. So I figured that the value looked pretty good and I signed up.  To say I was amazed with this enlargement system would be an understatement! The device was smaller than I expected it to be so it made it really comfortable and inconspicuous to wear. They did indeed have 30 exercises all categorized into different sections so you could target either the girth, length or head size of the penis. They also contained extra exercises on curvate correcting, foreskin restoration and ejaculation control. Each exercises had full tutorial videos and step by step videos. With the online sites I was able to find penis enlargement chat rooms and forums. It was by FAR the best programs that I had EVER come across.

Translation: When s4 of Supernatural started, I moved in with my Jared.  And little did I know, it would turn out to be the greatest living arrangement ever in life.  He lives upstairs, I live down.  Now, normally I’D prefer to be on top, but I must say…it doesn’t bother me at all when I can hear him above me, moving about.  So, just this once, being on the bottom is ok.  Living with my Jared has been great.  I cook him breakfast, and he teaches me how to be buff.  I sing him songs, and he sneaks into my room in the middle of the night to give me massages when he thinks I’m tense.  Apparently I’m tense a lot.  He’s by far the BEST tall person I’ve ever met.

My girlfriend noticed the difference straight away and we started to have more sex. She said I felt bigger in side of her. This got me excited, I found that I could last for longer and by using techniques which I learnt from Penis-Health I could delay my orgasm.

Translation: So, my SRS girlfriend noticed that I was spending more and more time with my Jared, and wanted to know why I didn’t wanna play with her anymore.

DRAMARAMA.

A couple of weeks went by and my erections were as hard as ever. I noticed a dramatic increase in the power and the amount of semen that I produced when I ejaculated and I also had more length in my penis from the Size Genetics Device.  When I used to get a blow job from my girlfriend before my sperm used to just dribble out. Now it was pumping out and shooting at her, literally drowning her in my cum, I honestly felt like a porn star.

Translation: A couple of months went by and my Jared and I were closer than EVER.  I noticed I couldn’t stand to be away from him and that when I was around him, I smiled and laughed more than I ever had with my SRS girlfriend or the brotherhood.  With my LA crew, I mostly just gigglesnorted.  BUT JARED MAKES ME LAUGH. Like REALLY laugh.  He’s such a tard. I love him.

I was amazed and my girlfriend wanted to fuck more than ever, she couldn’t believe the change in me. I was more confident in everything that I did. Other women apart from my girlfriend noticed this, they must have noticed my now large flaccid penis hanging down between my legs in my pants as well. I certainly got a lot more attention from women that would just pass me by before. Sex with these “extra” women and my girlfriend was fantastic. Instead of occasionally giving my sexual partners an orgasm, I gave them one every time and sometimes even multiple orgasms.

Translation: I was amazed at how much time I’d spent with Jared and was still not even close to being sick of his fucking face.  The amount of time we’d spent together almost made us seem…couple-y.  But other people apart from my SRS girlfriend and the brotherhood noticed this.  Fan!girls… They must have noticed how I get hearts in my eyes during interviews or at fan conventions whenever I look at my Jared…or perhaps it’s the way that I gush about him more than I do my SRS girlfriend, who by now is more like a little sister to me anyway.  Or maybe it’s because he climbs me in public or because I’ve marked ~my spot~ on his chest in more ways than one, and everyone knows that MY spot cannot be taken without repercussions…or concussions.  Whichever.  Your choice, really.

I wanted to share my experiences with others and that is what this site is all about. It took me only a few months to enlarge my penis and it was relatively easy when you combine the pills with the device. I do not want YOU to waste thousands of dollars on attempting to enlarge your penis. What I went through previously was just a true horror story and a total waste of money!

Translation: I wanted to share my experience with others and that is what this drabble is all about.  It took me only a few months to realize that my Jared is the most important tall person in the world to me, and in turn the most ossum SRS relationship I’ve ever had.  I do not want YOU to waste time and energy trying to fit in with the crowd, when all you ever really wanted or needed just might be upstairs.

You can take my advice or leave it but whatever you do make sure that you do not get ripped off by the many sites out there that just want to make a quick buck.

Translation: I know that there are those out there who don’t think that two tall people should be together, and would much rather us spend time with short people, like our SRS girlfriends or whatever.  So you can take my story or leave it.  But whatever you do, don’t judge us because of our height preference.  I’m into tall people and so is Jared. So suck on that.  The root of ignorance is fear.  If you’re afraid of tall people, perhaps you need to go spend some time with a tall person.  We’re just regular people, like everyone else, and deserve to be treated as such.

Good Luck,
Josh Tieden

Thanks for reading,

Jemsem Ackles

~~~~~~~~~~

So. Jensen. This is what you’ve taken to doing in your free time, bb? Writing advice columns on how to date your co-star be hung like Big Daddy a horse?

Interesting.

Could be worse, u guise.  He could have taken to rolling around in coffee beans sexily for cash. And, well. We can’t have that. So doling out self-help tips, instead? Why the fuck not…

Afterall, he may be workin’ with a jackpot:

But standing next to THIS everyday?

Is enough to give any man a complex, I suppose. *shrug*

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS WAY MORE AMUSING THAN THAT TIME THAT WENTWORTH REMINDED US ALL THAT ONCE WE HIT 40, WE SHOULD BE GETTING OUR PROSTATES CHECKED REGULARLY. LIKE, WAY…MORE AMUSING.  LAWL. GAWD, IT MUST SUCK TO BE FAMOUS.

SERIOUSLY.