Not So Secret Santa: Day 8

On the eighth day of Christmas, my mentwhores gave to me…

A tale of Grade A battshittery!!

Rated R for drugs, sexiness, and scary!midget shenanigans.

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ONE MORNING, DANNEEL ACKLES WOKE UP AND WENT OUTSIDE TO GET THE PAPER. WHEN SHE CAME BACK INSIDE, JENSEN ACKLES WAS STILL IN BED, SEEMINGLY STILL ASLEEP.

SO DANNEEL STRIPPED DOWN TO HER UNDERWEAR AND CRAWLED BACK IN TO BED, SETTLING IN TO READ THE PAPER. JUST AS SHE GOT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST STORY ON THE FRONT PAGE, SHE FELT SHARP JERKY MOVEMENTS COMING FROM JENSEN’S SIDE OF THE BED. DANNEEL GLANCED OVER, NOT WANTING TO BE DISTRACTED FROM THE STORY, AND DECIDED THAT JENSEN WAS PROBABLY JUST TWITCHING IN HIS SLEEP AGAIN.  HOWEVER, NOT ONLY DID THE SPASTIC MOVEMENTS CEASE TO STOP, THEY BECAME EVEN MORE ERRATIC AND SHE COULD HEAR JENSEN’S BREATHING GETTING MORE AND MORE SHALLOW.

“JENSEN!” SHE SNAPPED.

“HM?” WAS THE MUMBLED RESPONSE.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING??”

“NOTHING,” HE SAID. “BUT I’LL BE FINISHED IN A MINUTE.”

SHAKING HER HEAD TO HERSELF, DANNEEL ASKED COYLY, “UH HUH.  AND WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?”

“HAM,” HE REPLIED.

DANNEEL PLAYFULLY PUNCHED HIM IN THE SHOULDER, AND HE GIGGLED AS HE CAME.  THEN, IN TYPICAL JENSEN ACKLES FASHION, HE ROLLED OVER AND KISSED HIS WIFE GOOD MORNING, AND THEN PROCEEDED TO WIPE HIS HAND ON HER FACE, BEFORE GETTING OUT OF BED TO GO MAKE COFFEE. DANNEEL, COMPLETELY ACCUSTOMED TO THIS TOMFOOLERY BY NOW, JUST CONTINUED READING HER PAPER, WHILE JENSEN THREW ON A PAIR OF BOXERS AND HEADED DOWNSTAIRS.

HE WAS GREETED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS BY A LITTLE BALL OF WHITE FLUFF, WHO JUMPED UP AND DOWN IN PLACE AS SOON AS JENSEN HIT THE BOTTOM LANDING.

“C’MON, BOY!” HE SAID, MOTIONING FOR THE COTTON BALL TO FOLLOW HIM INTO THE KITCHEN. BUT AS THEY HEADED TOWARD THE KITCHEN DOORWAY, JENSEN HEARD A THUMP.  HE LOOKED TO HIS RIGHT, JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE COTTON BALL, WHO’D JUST RAN SMACK INTO THE WALL, STAND BACK UP AND SHAKE HIMSELF OFF BEFORE PADDING ALONG INTO THE KITCHEN BEFORE HIS MASTER. FOR THE LIFE OF HIM, JENSEN COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY DANNEEL WOULDN’T JUST GO GET THE DAMN DOG GROOMED. WITH ALL THAT FUR IN HIS EYES, NO WONDER HE WAS CONSTANTLY RUNNING HEADFIRST INTO SHIT.

STEPPING INTO THE KITCHEN, JENSEN STOPPED AS HE LOOKED OVER AND SAW GENEVIEVE CORTESE CROUCHED OVER WITH HER HEAD IN HIS REFRIGERATOR.

“GEN,” HE SAID. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“OH, HEY.  I NEEDED EGGS,” SHE REPLIED, HOLDING UP THE CARTON AS SHE CLOSED THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND WALKED PAST HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN, DOWN THE HALL, AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

“…RIGHT,” JENSEN SAID OUT LOUD TO NO ONE.

AS HE WALKED OVER TO THE COUNTER AND STARTED UP THE COFFEE POT, HE MADE A MENTAL NOTE TO HIMSELF TO GET THE LOCKS CHANGED.  EVER SINCE JARED HAD BOUGHT A HOUSE A FEW MINUTES FROM HIS, IT HAD BECOME TYPICAL FOR HIM TO WALK DOWNSTAIRS AT LEAST 3 TIMES A WEEK AND FIND GENEVIEVE CORTESE JUST RANDOMLY WANDERING AROUND THE FIRST FLOOR OF HIS HOUSE LOOKING FOR SHIT.

HE’D ALREADY TALKED TO JARED ABOUT IT TWICE.   BUT JARED INSISTED THAT HE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM WITH HER SHOWING UP AT HIS HOUSE UNANNOUNCED, TOO.  APPARENTLY GEN KEPT TELLING JARED THAT THEIR DOGS HAD SET UP PLAYDATES WITH EACH OTHER WITHOUT INFORMING HIM.

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JUST AS JENSEN WAS SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE TO HAVE HIS FIRST CUP OF COFFEE, THE PHONE RANG. HE ANSWERED IT TO FIND A FRANTIC JARED PADALECKI ON THE OTHER END.

“JENSEN!! SHE’S GONE CRAZY!!”

“WHAT?” JENSEN SAID, “WHO’S GONE CRAZY?”

“GEN!!” JARED SHRIEKED. “SHE JUST SHOWED UP ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO WITH A CARTON OF EGGS. SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO MAKE BREAKFAST.  BUT WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I COULDN’T BECAUSE I ALREADY MADE PLANS TO MEET UP WITH SANDY, SHE WENT NUTS.”

“WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE DO, NOW?” JENSEN ASKED, BECAUSE HONESTLY, HE WAS JUST DAMN CURIOUS.

“SHE EGGED MY HOUSE!!”

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME SHE CAME OVER HERE AND STOLE MY FREAKIN’ EGGS AND THEN PROCEEDED TO JUST THROW THE WHOLE BOX AT YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BREAKFAST WITH HER?” JENSEN ASKED IN DISBELIEF.

“YES!” JARED SAID. “AND NOW SHE’S OUTSIDE KEYING THE WORDS ‘I’M AWESOME’ INTO THE CORVETTE.”

“THAT GIRL IS BUCKETS OF CRAZY,” JENSEN SAID, JUST AS DANNEEL WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN.

“WHO’S CRAZY?” SHE ASKED NONCHALANTLY.

“GEN,” REPLIED JENSEN, STILL HALFASS LISTENING TO JARED SCREAM ON THE OTHER END.

“WELL, I COULDA TOLD YA THAT,” DANNEEL REPLIED.  “DID I TELL YOU I CAME IN HERE ONE MORNING LAST WEEK AND FOUND HER SITTING AT THE TABLE CUTTING SLITS INTO THE BACK OF A WEDDING DRESS? SHE CLAIMED SHE WAS BORROWING OUR SCISSORS TO MAKE SOME ALTERATIONS BEFORE THE BIG DAY.”

“SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FIANCE,” JENSEN WHISPERED, COVERING THE RECEIVER WITH HIS HAND.

“YES. I KNOW.  ANYWAY, TELL JARED TO COME OVER HERE ONCE GENEVIEVE TIRES HERSELF OUT AND GOES HOME,” SAID DANNEEL.

AS DANNEEL WALKED OVER TO THE FRIDGE AND TOOK OUT THE BACON AND THE ONE EGG THAT GENEVIEVE LEFT BEHIND AND BEGAN TO MAKE BREAKFAST, SHE COULD STILL HEAR JARED’S PANICKED SCREAMS COMING FROM THE PHONE, AS JENSEN CALMLY LISTENED AND SIPPED HIS COFFEE.

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A FEW HOURS LATER, JENSEN AND DANNEEL SAT ON THEIR COUCH WATCHING PORN AND FEELING EACH OTHER UP, WHEN JARED CAME BURSTING INTO THE ROOM. UNANNOUNCED. AS ALWAYS.

“OH!! SO I’M HAVING A QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS, AND YOU TWO ARE JUST HANGIN’ OUT IN HERE GETTING YOUR FREAK ON. I SEE HOW IT IS.”

JENSEN AND DANNEEL JUST SAT ON THE COUCH AND STARED AT HIM BLANKLY.

“FIVE HOURS!!” HE CONTINUED. “SHE WAS OUT THERE FOR FIVE…HOURS, HARASSING ME!!”

“JARED,” DANNEEL SAID CALMLY. “COME OVER HERE AND SIT BY ME.”

JARED WALKED OVER AND SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH BETWEEN JENSEN AND DANNEEL. JUST THEN, DANNEEL REACHED INTO HER BACK POCKET.

“Y’KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, J?” SHE ASKED, PULLING OUT A BAG OF WEED.  “YOU NEED TO RELAX.”

“YES, THAT,” DECLARED JENSEN, REACHING FOR PAPER TO ROLL, READY FOR AN INTENSE GAME OF SUCK & BLOW.

AS DANNEEL EMPTIED THE CONTENTS OF THE BAG ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE, JARED LOOKED AT THE PILE OF DUST, CURIOUSLY. HE REACHED DOWN AND PICKED UP A FEW OF THE FIBERS, RUBBING THEM BETWEEN HIS FOREFINGER AND HIS THUMB, AND BRINGING THEM UP TO HIS FACE. JUST THEN, DANNEEL GRABBED HIS WRIST.

“UHH, JARED. NO,” SHE SAID. “WEED DOESN’T WORK LIKE OTHER SHIT. YOU CAN’T JUST SMEAR IT UNDER YOUR EYE AND EXPECT RESULTS. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SMOKE THIS.”

JARED’S FACE SCRUNCHED UP, AS HE JUST COULDN’T BE ASSED WITH WORKING FOR HIS HIGH. NOTICING THE LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT ON JARED’S FACE, JENSEN GOT AN IDEA.

“OH! I KNOW!!” HE SAID. “JARED. TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.”

“WHAT?!” JARED AND DANNEEL SAID IN UNISON.

“JUST…TRUST ME,” JENSEN SAID. “STAND UP AND TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.”

JARED STOOD UP AND UNBUTTONED HIS PANTS.  AND AS HE BENT OVER TO PULL HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR DOWN TO THE FLOOR, JENSEN TOOK AN ECSTASY TABLET AND SHOVED IT UP HIS ASS.

“OW!!” JARED YELLED OUT. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!”

“OH, CALM DOWN,” JENSEN SAID. “YOU’LL THANK ME IN A MINUTE.”

LOW AND BEHOLD, ABOUT 60 SECONDS LATER, JARED PADALECKI HAD STRIPPED DOWN COMPLETELY NAKED, TIED A RED BLANKET AROUND HIS SHOULDERS, AND WAS LEAPING THROUGH THE HOUSE DECLARING THAT HE WAS SUPERMAN.  IT WAS AT THIS VERY MOMENT THAT JENSEN AND DANNEEL WISHED THAT THEY HAD A STRIPPER POLE IN THEIR LIVING ROOM, AS IT WOULD SURELY COME IN HANDY AT SOME POINT DURING THE NIGHT.

AS IT WAS, JARED KEPT HIMSELF AMUSED FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS, PRETENDING HE COULD FLY, ALLOWING JENSEN AND DANNEEL TO RETURN TO THEIR PORN AND GET BACK TO THEIR MAKEOUT SESSION.  THAT’S NOT TO SAY, HOWEVER, THAT AT SOME POINT DURING THE NIGHT’S FESTIVITIES, THEY DIDN’T EACH END UP WITH A LAP FULL OF NAKED JARED PADALECKI GRINDING ALL UP ON EACH OF THEM.

BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME.

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CREDIT: ALL GIFS FROM VT_GRAPHICS, H&K CAPS BY MICMEZLE

DISCLAIMER: JUST A TYPICAL SUNDAY IN THE ACKLES HOUSEHOLD. AND POOR JARED PADALECKI WITH HIS CRAAAAZY FANGIRLS. PERHAPS JENSEN AND DANNEEL SHOULD JUST ADOPT HIM. THEY’D MAKE JARED AN OSSUM MOMMY AND DADDY. LOOK AT HOW QUICKLY THEY GOT HIM TO CALM DOWN.  WELL… MAYBE NOT “CALM DOWN” BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN.